Confessions of a Teenage Ferret
by Indigo Kitti
Summary: (ONESHOT)This is not a perfect world, this is the real world." In a fit of rage Pansy turns Draco into a ferret. Unfortunately, Pansy's not know for her magical aptitude and Harry Potter's in the market for a new pet. (slash)


Disclaimer: Harry Potter and co. belongs to JK Rowling etc etc amen.

Warnings: Ferrets and slash!

A/N's: Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukah! Joyful Kwanza! Jovial Ramadan! And a Happy New Year to you all! This is my little present for everyone, a holiday One-shot!

XoX

Confessions of a Teenage Ferret

It started on the last day of classes before winter vacation. I'd been sitting in front of the warm Slytherin fire when Pansy sauntered over and threw herself onto my lap.

"Draco," she said breathlessly in an obvious attempt to make herself sound desirable, "it's the last day before winter vacation."

"Hmm." I mumbled only half-paying attention to her.

"And we won't see each other for _such_ a long time."

Raising an immaculate eyebrow I turned to Pansy and snorted. "Are you trying to get into my pants again, Pansy?"

Pansy tried to look coy and ended up looking stupider then usual, "Maybe."

"Great Merlin, Parkinson!" I exclaimed, pushing her off my lap, "What do I have to do to get the message through your thick skull, I'M GAY!"

She just pouted.

"As in I ONLY like boys!"

Sighing Pansy ran a hand through her light brown hair and said, "I wish you'd get over this phase, Draco. The sooner you're straight again, the sooner we can get married."

Sometimes Pansy Parkinson's stupider then Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, it just isn't normal. Even being dropped on her head multiple times and then dunked in the family moat didn't explain away her lack of intelligence – the inbreeding in Pure Blooded families however might.

"Look, even if I liked girls I wouldn't like you," I explained, resisting the urge to do something plebian like run a hand through my hair – I far spend too much time getting it _just so_ in the morning that ruining it at any point for any reason other then a good shag is blasphemy. "You're ugly as all get out Pansy."

In hindsight, saying something like that to a semi-competent Slytherin female was probably a _very_ bad idea. Then again, hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

"You… DRACO MALFOY, YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT REMARK!" and so saying – actually I guess that would be 'and so yelling' – she stormed out of the Common Room.

I went to sleep that night thinking everything would be over and she'd never bother me again.

Oh how bloody wrong I was.

XoX

The problem with Christmas at Hogwarts is that you can spend the entire break in your dorm and avoid all other people, students and teachers alike, without anyone getting worried about you.

Damn my luck that I chose _that_ break to stay, huh?

Anyway, I woke up feeling suprisingly warm in the dungeons and found myself lost in a sea of soft, green silk. Struggling, I pulled myself out of the trap, crawling on all fours, until my nose sensed fresh air and I was able to get out from under my covers and climb onto my pillow. Sitting down I began to groom myself before stopping and realizing that something was _very_ wrong.

_Please no,_ I thought, scampering for the mirror on my bedside table, _please, anything but this!_

I was a ferret – an adorable, button nosed, pure white ferret.

And I had no doubt in my mind who'd done it to me, _Parkinson._

XoX

My first instinct was… well all right my first instinct was to curl up and go back to sleep, but then I decided that it might be prudent to seek out Pansy and bite her into submission.

I leapt from the bed onto the floor and scampered for purchase as I slipped along the smooth, stone floor. When I regained my balance I walked out into the common room with all the dignity I could manage.

_Oh Merlin, no._ I thought, looking around the empty Common Room. I'd gotten up too late and everyone had packed up and shipped off for their respective manors, mansions, castles, and chateau's. Quickly deciding that my best bet would now be to wander the halls until someone found my and turned me back to my normal, handsome self I ran to the entrance to the dorms and began to scratch at the rock until it opened up and let me out.

_Oh shit. _

The dungeons were huge, dark, and more then a little scary. I ran through them as fast as my little ferret legs could go and ended up panting outside the Great Hall, very proud of myself.

As I sat, innocently catching my breath, someone crept up on me.

"Oh!" he said, bending over to examine me, "How sweet! A ferret!"

Who knew Potter had a soft spot for furry rodents?

Deciding that Mr. Bleeding Heart himself was probably my best bet at the moment I walked over to his extended hand and sniffed it in what I hoped was a ferret like manner. Potter seemed to take that as an invitation as I picked me up and carried me into the Great Hall with him.

He sat down at the Gryffindor table and furtively showed my to his Mudblood friend. "Look Hermione!" he hissed, "Isn't he cute? You figure he's someone's pet?'

Granger bent over me and shook her head. "Ferrets aren't on the list of permitted pets. It must be someone's transfiguration project gone awry."

She had no idea how close she was.

Potter frowned, "So what do I do with him?"

Granger shrugged, "I don't know… I guess we could turn him into a fork or something – it's probably what he started as. Let me hold him."

Okay, Potter was one thing, but a Mudblood who wanted to turn me into a _fork_ was a whole other Quidditch match.

As she took me into her hands, my feet dangling ungainly in the air and her thumbs pressing into my stomach, I bit down on her thumb as hard as I could.

"Oww!" she cried, dropping me onto the table, "That little demon bit me!"

Potter leaned over and scooped me up carefully again. I allowed it only he didn't look desperate to turn me into a fork and was holding an enticing bit of apple in his hand.

"Don't be silly Hermione, you were to rough with him. And how would you feel if someone wanted to turn you into a fork? Besides, he's so cute!" Potter smiled down at me and if I'd been a human I would have laughed, Potter thought I was cute?

He held the bit of apple out to me and I snatched it away from him, nibbling gently on the delicious fruit.

"Aww! Look at him eat!" Potter cooed, leaning over me and stroking my head.

"Careful Harry."

I rolled my eyes at Granger's concern – although if being petted hadn't felt so _good_ I probably would have bitten him. As long as he kept it up she had nothing to worry about.

"I'm keeping him," Potter declared, looking down at me, "I don't care if he is a fork, he's adorable."

Not caring if I was a fork was one thing, not caring that I was Draco Malfoy was… well that'd just be creepy.

"Squeak!" I said when Potter stopped stroking me and stood up.

He smiled down at me and placed me on his shoulder. At first it was difficult to stay on – Potter sort of tilts when he walks – but once my claws had a firm grip on the fabric of his robes I was able to enjoy the ride, and the view.

Everyone was turning to stare at Potter. I wondered if he'd forgotten that, in Hogwarts, the ferret was the international sign for Draco Malfoy. No thanks to the stupid impersonator-professor from fourth year.

Potter kept walking until we reached a distressingly ugly portrait of an obese woman stuffed into a disgustingly pink, chiffon dress.

"Hello Harry," the woman cooed, "I see you've got yourself a new pet. Has he a name?"

Potter turned to look at me and shrugged, nearly sending me flying. "Not yet."

"Can I suggest 'Babykins'?" The woman asked, giggling, "He's just _so_ cute!"

If I'd been human and had my wand I would have cursed the fat cow. Babykins? I don't think so.

"Er…" Potter said, staring up at the women, "Wing of bat."

The portrait swung open, revealing a common room filled with over-stuffed armchairs and gaudy wallpaper. Red was prevalent in the room and I felt hot just looking at it.

"Here we are, sweetie," Potter cooed, taking me off his shoulder as I shook in rodent laughter, "our home."

I briefly wondered if Potter was into bestiality or something, it'd explain why his owl and Dumbledore's phoenix liked him so much – not to mention the Weasel. I dismissed the idea almost as soon as it occurred to me, Potter was just way too innocent.

Potter cuddled me in the crook of his right arm and began to walk up a set of stairs I assumed led to the boys' dorms. I was, as always, correct and we soon reached a dorm room that resembled a war zone.

Clothes and chocolate frog wrappers lay scattered around the room, only one area was untouched amidst the rubble and I was happy when Potter walked over to the clean bed and lay down.

Well, I was happy it was the clean place, not that he was lying on a bed.

Dammit.

"What _should_ I name you?" Harry mused, rubbing my stomach lightly. "How about Malfoy? I'd name you Draco only it's kind of weird to name a ferret dragon and people might… you know… think things."

_What _things_ Potter, do tell?_

"I can tell you something, can't I Malfoy? Something secret?"

I wrinkled me nose and wriggled on the bed, getting comfortable. I certainly wasn't going to stop Potter from giving me blackmail material – besides the fact that he talked to his 'ferret' as if it could answer.

"I like Malfoy… Draco I mean, not you." Harry giggled and then sighed. "He's really handsome. Ron and Hermione don't know, but I told Ginny." He laughed again, petting the top of my head absently. "I told Ginny that I wanted Draco for Christmas this year, isn't that silly?"

I looked up at Potter. Despite his carefree tone of voice, he seemed like he was about to cry.

"Gods I hate my life."

Ah, there it was, the famous Potter angst.

"Why, of all the people in the world, did I have to fall in love with Draco Malfoy?" Potter picked me up from my comfortable spot on the bed and hugged me to his chest. "I wish that one time, just once, I would get what I want."

Okay… Maybe I wouldn't use this particular secret to blackmail him. He did look rather put out about the whole thing. Not that I care mind you. Because I don't. Really.

"I'll tell you something else," Potter said after a while, "I _hate_ being Harry Potter."

Well, wasn't today a day for revelations, The Golden Boy hated being Harry Potter? Who knew?

"I hate the fame, the fans, the fan mail…"

Potter got _fan mail_?

"… the shallowness of the whole thing. Sure, _'everybody'_ loves me, but nobody really _knows_ me!"

I wondered if Potter's owl got this many confessions out of him.

"Everybody _thinks_ they do but nobody does. Everybody only sees my fame and what my fame makes me. Except for Draco. Draco can see me, I'm sure of it. He doesn't treat me like I'm special because of this stupid fame."

Who knew Potter was such a masochist? I hurt him, insulted him and generally made his life a living hell and he falls in love with me.

Potter took in a deep, shuddering breath and sighed loudly. "This is stupid. I'm talking to a ferret I met an hour ago."

Fancy that, you could _meet_ ferrets.

"Let's go skating on the lake, okay Malfoy?"

Apparently that was a rhetorical question because no sooner had I been asked then I was on my way to the lake in Potter's warm arms.

XoX

As soon as we got there Potter began making a nest for me out of his garish scarf.

"Now don't go running off into the Forbidden Forest, Malfoy." He scolded, holding me up in front of his face, "If you really did start life as a fork or something I expect that you lack the necessary survival skills."

If Potter thought for one moment I was going to go to the terrifying forest of doom he was out of his bloody mind. Once in a lifetime was _more_ then enough.

Potter smiled down at me and patted my furry, little head before standing up and making his way towards the lake. When he reached the edge, he murmured a spell under his breath and skates appeared on his feet.

They were uncommonly girly, white with laces up the front and those little pick things that girls insist make skating easier.

_Figure skates,_ I realized, _Potter's using figure skates._

Potter took a deep breath and stepped onto the ice.

XoX

Anyone who says Potter was born to fly has never seen him skate. He's not just good – he's spectacular! Even as a ferret I could tell.

I found myself hypnotized by him as he soared across the ice. Potter even did jumps and turns and all sorts of ice skating things! It was… magic. Oh, not the kind of magic used at Hogwarts – no wand waving and silly words. As sort of… inner magic, like the feeling you get when you hear a really beautiful piece of music or when you read a poem and suddenly everything _clicks_ and you know exactly what the poet was getting at.

It touches your soul.

I think that was the moment I felt… more for Potter.

XoX

When Potter finished skating he spelled the skates off his feet and picked me up again. On what I can only assume was a whim he kissed my forehead and smiled at me.

In a perfect world I would have turned back into myself when he kissed me. Then I'd confess my new found feelings for him and it'd be fluffy bunnies and warm fuzzies from then on.

This is not a perfect world, this is the real world.

All I got from Potter's kiss when the sensation of his soft, pink lips pressing against my forehead gently and a strange, fluttery feeling in my overactive stomach.

So I sat dejectedly in Potter's arms while he carried me up towards the castle again.

XoX

Later that afternoon we sat at the Gryffindor table and I watched Potter eat.

_Come on you prat,_ I thought, watching the path of a particularly appetizing bite of ham make it's way into Potter's mouth, _feed your ferret!_

"Harry!" Granger yelled, running towards the Gryffindor table, "Don't feed your ferret anything!"

_Dammit Granger!_ I thought, watching a bit of lettuce whip out of range.

Panting, Granger slumped into the seat next to Harry – holy shit, Potter! I meant Potter!

"Hermione, are you alright?" Potter asked, studying his friend rather objectively as he munched down on _my_ piece of lettuce.

"I did some research this afternoon…"

_Right Granger, _big_surprise there._

"… and ferrets shouldn't eat a lot of plants. They're like cats, they need meat. Actually, I have some extra cat food that you might want to feed him."

Okay, eww, I _so_ wasn't going to eat cat food.

"That's alright Hermione, I'll just feed him normal meat."

_Yes! Go Potter!_

"Well if you're sure Harry…" Granger put the disgusting bag of cat food back into her over stuffed book-bag.

"I'm sure."

And so saying Potter began to feed me ham from his plate. I was in ferret heaven, all I needed to do was look cute – not a hard feat for me – and he'd feed me.

Granger studied me as Potter shoveled food into my mouth.

"What kind of ferret do you think he is?" she asked, "According to my researching albino ferrets all have red eyes."

_No duh Granger, I'm not a ferret!_

"I think we should take him to McGonagall."

Potter shook his head vehemently. "No way! He's _mine_ Hermione, back off! I don't care if he's a fork!"

_Ha._

Granger shot Potter a dirty look a stomped off, leaving without eating any lunch. Potter sighed and looked down at me.

"Don't worry, she's just worried about me. You know, the whole Voldemort thing."

_No shit Potter, really?_

XoX

_This sucks,_ I thought, rolling around on Potter's bed absentmindedly as he changed into horribly tacky flannel pajamas_, Harry Potter is undressing in front of me and I can't do anything about it._ A day ago 'doing something about it' would have meant taunts and physical abuse, but now… well anything physical would have also been _very_ pleasurable.

"Malfoy," Potter said, sitting down beside me and ruffling my fur, "will you be okay sleeping here with me or do you need a special wood chip nest or something?"

Okay, I _so_ wasn't the person to be asking here – Granger seemed to be the resident ferret expert.

"I suppose I could ask Hermione. She'd probably conjure up a cage and some cat food though."

Okay, again, _so_ not eating cat food. I rapidly made my way to the head of the bed and snuggled into one of Potter's pillows. Thank Merlin that Hogwarts lets the students have double beds.

"Aww! How cute! It's almost like you understand me!"

_You don't know the half of it, Potter_, I thought as Potter crawled into bed with me.

He smiled down at me and my little ferret heart thumped wildly in my chest.

_Gods but Potter's beautiful_, I thought as I drifted off to dreams of Potter feeding the human me Ham.

XoX

When I awoke it was because the sun was shining into my tiny, ferret eyes.

Oh joy, I was still a ferret.

I turned over to hide from the sun and ended up falling a _long_ way to the floor. I hit with a resounding thump that caused Potter to wake up.

He rubbed his eyes sleepily and smiled down at me. His hair was rumpled oh-so-temptingly and yawned. "Hey Malfoy, what are you doing down there?"

Still upset about the whole being a ferret thing, plus the cold I was sure I'd have when I turned back into a human permanently – I'd sat outside the previous day watching Potter skate for _far_ to long – I just looked up at him petulantly.

Potter's grin widened he bent down to scoop me from the floor.

"Let's go to breakfast sweetheart."

XoX

Sometime later we sat munching on bacon – and I'm _so_ sure that that isn't good for ferrets despite them being carnivores – peacefully. Granger, of course, had to ruin the whole thing.

"_Harry!_" she hissed, flinging herself into the seat next to him, "Harry, have you heard? Malfoy's missing!"

Potter paled.

"How long has he been missing?"

Granger shrugged, chewing on her lower lip. "They're not sure. They think he went missing sometime yesterday or the day before though, apparently Snape checked the Slytherin dorms last night – he's the only Slytherin staying this year except for two fourth years – just in case. Nobody'd seen him all day! But, when Snape got there all he could find were Malfoy's pajamas!"

Great, now my disappearance was being made into some crappy urban legend.

"His pajamas?" Potter questioned, voice catching slightly.

Granger nodded frantically and pulled out a large book from her bag.

"I'm checking out _Hogwarts: A History_ for any hint as to what could have caused his disappearance. He may be an evil git, but no one deserves to _die_!"

Potter smiled weakly at her enthusiasm and all but ran from the Great Hall, grabbing me as an after thought.

XoX

As soon as we were outside the hall he held me up at eye level and said, "If you're Draco Malfoy nod once."

I nodded – once.

"Crap!"

_Oh thanks so much Potter,_ I mentally sneered, _I'd like to point out that I'm the one trapped as a ferret here._

"Maybe I should obligate you and hope for the best…" Potter said uncertainly, looking at me with a peculiar mix of adoration and fear.

I shook my head.

"No? Hello! Earth to Malfoy, I just confessed practically _all_ of my deepest secrets to you! You _know_!"

I wriggled a bit until I significantly closer to his face and looked him in the eye. If _that_ was all the git was worried about I knew how to calm him down.

And so, with a great amount of difficulty I managed to kiss Potter on the lips. Looking back I can see how that might not be the most pleasant of experiences from Potter's side, but I liked it and I will never regret doing it.

Well, since Pansy'd been the one to cast the spell it was almost assured that it would backfire in some way. She _probably_ meant for the spell to end when someone kissed me, but as we all know that didn't work.

Me kissing Potter did though.

With a puff of violently green smoke I was suddenly back to my human form – and very very naked in front of the Great Hall.

"Crap." I said pointedly, rubbing my arse where it'd hit the floor.

"M-malfoy?"

I smiled up at him. "The one and only, Pot… Harry. I don't suppose I could borrow your robes for a bit? I seem to be naked."

He nodded dumbly, taking them off and handing them to me.

"Not that I object to being naked, really. It's just I usually like the other party to be naked as well. And coherent." I added after watching Harry struggle for words. "Now, where were we? Ah yes, no need to obliviate me. I assure you that I'll only tell people if you want to tell people… about us I mean."

"Us?" Harry croaked, staring at me wide-eyed.

"Well yes, after hearing those oh-so-flattering confessions from you yesterday do you _really_ think I'd just walk away? Merlin Potter, _everybody_ knows I'm gay and you're bloody gorgeous!"

He looked happy and dejected at the same time. Potter seemed to have a thing for peculiar mixes of emotion.

"Is that… is that all?"

_Oh._

"Oh all right, I've also gotten to know you're… sweeter side over the past twenty-four hours and… well I sort of have a crush on you too."

Potter smiled and it was as if I'd been blinded by the sun.

"Ok," he said drawing closer to me, "umm… do you want to… kiss maybe?"

I rolled my eyes. _Virgins._

But he was looking at me so hopefully and his glasses were askew and he was just _so_ cute. I had to kiss him, you can't let innocence like that go un-molested.

And then, damn my luck – and Pansy while we're at it – I pressed my lips against his and turned _back_ into the fucking ferret!

Potter looked down at me for a moment, sitting in a pool of his robes, and snorted. "Let's go see McGonagall first then, shall we?"

Fin


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